Step 1. Have your airline call you at 2:00 in the morning telling you that your flight was canceled and moved to a different time.

Step 2. Have the new flight take off almost an hour late, nullifying your hour-long layover.

Step 3. Land in a blizzard. Make sure the drive to your sister’s house takes longer than the flight (2.5 hours)

Step 4. Get sick the second day. Really work at it, don’t go with a cold –go full bore with a 102 degree fever, chills and aches. That’s the way the pros do it.

Step 5. Fly sick. Imagine the pain, hassle and discomfort of flying, and add the fun of doing it from under the crushing haze of a flu.

Step 6. Have the airlines lose your luggage. That’s really the icing on the cake and a complete ‘must’ for a truly great vacation. Imagine being terribly sick, getting off the plane and being *this* close to your beckoning warm bed only to have to wait an additional half hour waiting in vain for your bag to show up. Also, dealing with airlines is among the most fun things a human can do. Imagine going to the DMV, but without any of that annoying compassion that your DMV has. What, your DMV doesn’t have compassion? Either does mine, yet America West’s customer service dickhead seems to have even less. I’m so impressed at his lack of humanity that I’m starting to think that America West has perfected androids like Commander Data. Except America West’s android doesn’t know anything. And won’t help you. And blames the other airline. And is a dick. Maybe it’s not so much like Commander Data as that useless fucking robot that Mr. Wizard had that he never used. Man I hated that thing. It is nice to see it gainfully employed though. Go Bush Economy!

Step 7. There is no step 7.

At least it was nice to see my sister.
…and Jaynes.

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